One of my biggest weaknesses is shame. That might sound funny but I've learned that it can rear it's ugly head in all different ways. It washes over me in an instant when I least expect it. Maybe a strange look from someone, or an invitation I offer that falls flat or in my relationships when people try and care for me. Oh, that's the hardest one, to receive care from someone else is hard because it means that I'm vulnerable.
I struggled for years any time I would get sick, feeling like I was a burden. It wouldn't matter what ailment I had, the stomach flu, a cold, simple sniffles or healing from childbirth; I always felt like a failure somehow and believed that if only I could will myself towards healing all would be right with the world again. I think many times early in our marriage Grant tried to care for me but for some reason I couldn't accept it. I remember one time in particular I was sick with the stomach flu and he wanted to help me while I was vomiting. Even though my heart cry was to be on the receiving end of his show of compassion, my head screamed, "No way, you can't let him see you like this."
Now that I'm older I realize this mind set was deeply embedded in my way of being. The root of my resistance to being cared for was shame. After a healing class for women who had been sexually abused I began to see that I was worth being cared for. It took awhile but the old patterns began to fall away. I began to believe that I didn't have to be strong and perfect all the time and was in fact worthy of being cared for, especially when I was sick. Grant never stopped trying to care for me and I'm happy to say that now I can receive it. Thank you God!
If you are in the San Antonio area and want more information about the Healing Hearts class at Community Bible Church please email me.
My 1963 Rambler, El Tanque
3 days ago