Today I've been writing one of the hardest chapters of my book, Between Two Poles. It's been challenging to say the least and I've been struggling to stay with it for about a week, at least. You know how you have an idea of what you want to say, but can't quite put words to the emotions? Well, that's been my experience and I've really had to dive in, swim around in the deepest parts of my angst and try to come up with the best way to write this chapter. I've cleared everything off my calendar to focus all my energies onto this project and wouldn't you know it, my words dried up. Or at least I thought they did until this morning when it clicked.
I was out for a walk with the dog, listening to my new Kris Allen download from American Idol and just asking God to be with me as I swam around in my deep ocean of angst. I was walking along singing along to the song, and all of a sudden it came to me. It was one of those moments where I knew it was God speaking to me. Immediately a started to cry and realized why I was having such a hard time with this section.
See, during this particular time of my journey with Grant through his bi-polar it felt like we were fighting an invisible enemy, all the time. And I was so tired, exhausted really and had no idea how we were going to climb this particular mountain. He was not getting better, we were struggling to figure out why and it felt like nothing was working at all. So, when I sat down to try and put words to this chapter it felt so hard like I was fighting the invisible enemy all over again. I kept asking God to give me the words, to show me what was important and how to write it the way he wanted it to read. All I was getting was a whole lot of tears, sadness and probably not very good writing. I was frustrated, which is why I went out for the walk this morning.
One of my biggest challenges is to let God help me. I am stubborn, unwilling to ask for help, and perfectionistic to a fault. It takes a lot for me to recognize that I've got to lay down my will and allow God to carry the burden, and that's what he showed me today. He reminded me that in our scariest times, in our biggest challenges and during our darkest hour, He will be there and all we have to do is ask. He was there for us when we were trying to get the medication for Grant figured out and he is with me now as I try and put words to what happened.
The words he whispered to me this morning were, "I carried you Allison..." That's how we got through it all, He carried us. He carried us through the tough stuff so that we could get to the happy ending. Now I've got a better direction of where I'm headed, he's carrying me through writing about this tough stuff so that I can finally get to the part where I get to tell about the happy ending. That's sort of how life is sometimes, we've got to go through some tough stuff sometimes so that when we get to the happy ending we will appreciate it, enjoy it and celebrate it. Stay tuned...the happy ending is coming. :)
My 1963 Rambler, El Tanque
3 days ago